dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Randomize
