you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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