Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
