my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
