Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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