I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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