ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
