so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
