I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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