you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
