Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
