How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
