I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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