Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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