YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
