Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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