So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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