Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
