i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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