why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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