if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
