Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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