I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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