did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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