He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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