I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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