I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
