Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
