I could make wine with my vomit
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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