sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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