I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
