Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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