my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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