I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
