Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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