Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone came in the potted fern
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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