im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
