Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
