She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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