I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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