Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
