oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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