Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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