we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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