I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
