she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
