So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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