His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
