you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
