That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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