i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The best revenge is premature balding
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Pants are for mortals
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
